10 Awesome Breakup Songs

When I go through a breakup, I tend to alternate between wanting to listen to depressing-ass tear-jerker songs and inspiring singlehood anthems. Since you never know where the rollercoaster of relationship withdrawal will take you, I’ve included five of each, with links to YouTube videos.

For When You’re Still Sad and Not Ready to Let Them Go

1. Maps (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)

2. Sunday Sun (Beck)

3. Hey (Pixies)

4. Martha (Tom Waits)

5. One More Hour (Sleater-Kinney)

For When You’re Over It and Remembering How Awesome Being Single Is

6. Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart (Alicia Keys)

7. I’m Looking Through You (The Beatles)

8. Defying Gravity (Wicked)

9. 99 Problems (Jay-Z)

10. Make Your Own Kind of Music (Mama Cass)

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Short List: The Best Pop Songs of 2010

10. Love The Way You Lie – Eminem ft. Rihanna

9. Imma Be – Black Eyed Peas

8. Alejandro – Lady Gaga

7. Like a G6 – Far East Movement ft. Dev and the Cataracts

6. Rude Boy – Rihanna

5. What’s My Name? – Rihanna ft. Drake

4. Telephone – Lady Gaga Ft. Beyoncé

3. Whip My Hair – Willow Smith

2. Teenage Dream – Katy Perry

1. Fuck You! – Cee-Lo Green

Top 20 Liz and Laura tweets

lyre_bird

Liz and Laura are indeed on Twitter, at @lizlaura in case you’re not already following us, and we’ve put a whole lot of nonsense out into the abyss in the last couple of years. But these are a few of the glimmering tidbits of quasi-humor (or even, dare I say it, insight) that we were able to salvage from the rubble.

20. Movies that glorify boring professions: Sister Act (nunnery), Toys (toy factory), Beverly Hills Cop (being a Beverly Hills cop).

19. There was a news promo that said “Drink up! The beverage that relieves stress.” Uhh…beer?

18. Idea for a double feature movie night: Stephen King’s “Thinner” and “The Santa Clause.” Unexplainable weight change=terrifying or hilarious?

17. Michael Chiarello from Food Network and the Moment of Luxury guy from PBS should be a couple and have a fabulous home together.

16. It’s sad to see people partying like douches at Senor Frog’s in Mexico on NYC Prep, because I’ve done the same damn thing.

15. If people are going to complain every time a youthful looking model gets partially nude, the modeling industry is doomed!

14. Only pussies collect unemployment.

13. They should rename the TV show “Hitched or Ditched” to “Humped or Dumped.”

12. Ads for life insurance like to show beaches.

11. How did the disney monorail have a fatal accident? It goes 35 miles an hour and it’s on a goddamn rail.

10. I’d like to see Dancing with the Starfish.

9. Word that sounds like the opposite of what it means: spendthrift.

8. Don’t you hate when you read “Animal Collective” and for a second it looks like “animal crackers,” which are delicious?

7. Who else thinks it’s about time Sting started using his real name? Gordon Sumner: it’s not that bad.

6. Why is it British people say “sport” where we would say “sports,” but say “maths” instead of “math”?

5. The art of note passing is really lost after high school. Why don’t people pass notes in offices more? Maybe they do and I’m just unpopular.

4. Does a pimp share his business secrets on a need-to-ho basis?

3. I hope moon water makes you turn into a zombie. Then when the first moon resort is built, everyone will turn into moon zombies.

2. It’s not cheating if it’s molestation

1. Do you think “Twitter” will ever get into the dictionary? That would be a sad day indeed.

Laura’s Golden Globe Awards predictions

golden globes

It seems like no time has passed since the last Golden Globe Awards, but the 2011 awards are upon us and airing tonight! I always get excited on award show days, what with the red carpet coverage, the celebrity musical numbers, the uncomfortable banter between wildly mismatched celebrity presenters, and of course, Jon Hamm. I imagine my dreamboat of choice will be singing, dancing, or at least playing off his Don Draper persona in hilarious ways. Make it so, Golden Globes!

Here are my predictions for how it will all play out, and here’s the full list of nominations for the curious.

Best Picture (Drama): Black Swan

Duh.

Best Picture (Comedy or Musical): The Kids Are All Right

The other nominations are shitty so this is a no-brainer.

Best Actress (Drama): Natalie Portman, Black Swan

She made her feet bleed and lost a ton of weight, she deserves the accolade, and hopefully a free ham.

Best Actor (Drama): Colin Firth, The King’s Speech

I wish that Jesse Eisenberg would win because he totally transformed into Mark Zuckerberg. It was spooky. But Colin Firth was supposedly really amazing in that stuttering movie, and everyone loves period pieces. Plus I can’t imagine little young Jesse Eisenberg getting an award just yet. He still needs to prove himself.

Best Actress (Comedy): Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right

I always liked her and she deserves more awards. And why is Emma Stone from Easy A even on this list? What’s next, Anna Faris in The House Bunny being nominated? Please tell me Anna Faris was not nominated for The House Bunny, because I’m too lazy to look it up and I fear a world in which it could be true.

Best Actor (Comedy): Paul Giamatti, Barney’s Version

It comes down to Paul Giamatti and Kevin Spacey, and that’s a tough call for sure, especially since Mr. Spacey has been receiving a lot of attention for his turn as Jack Abramoff in Casino Jack. But when it comes down to it, for my money, Kevin Spacey isn’t half the actor Paul Giamatti is, so this one goes to Paul.

Best Supporting Actress in any movie: Melissa Leo, The Fighter

I haven’t seen this movie and I’m still not quite sure who Melissa Leo is, but she seems to be one of those “serious” actresses, like Laura Linney or Tilda Swinton, who people like to give awards to because they add a note of credibility to the proceedings with their bemused attitude that totally takes seriously meaningless drivel like the Golden Globes.

Best Supporting Actor in any movie: Oh great, Michael Douglas is nominated

Well I guess we know how this one is going to go, even though he’s in remission and even he took his diagnosis with good humor. OK, let’s just play, if Michael Douglas was in perfect health, who would win? I say Christian Bale. But it’s a moot point because, you know, cancer. See: Michael C. Hall and Bryan Cranston.

Best Animated Movie: Toy Story 3

Duh.

Best Foreign Film: I have no idea

Best Director: Christopher Nolan, Inception

Sure, David Fincher did a great job with The Social Network and all of its cornflower blue icons, but Christopher Nolan made like three interwoven virtual worlds, man. And like, folded a city in half or some shit. I don’t really remember, I was drunk as shit when I watched that movie.

Best Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

It’s Aaron Sorkin, and for some reason Hollywood has it bad for this guy. Don’t ask me why. I never did like The West Wing. And remember 30 Rock at the Sunset Strip or whatever, that mess was just awful. But yeah he’ll win.

Best Song and Score: Who the hell cares, get to the TV shows

Best TV Show (Drama): Mad Men

It better win, because that means more shots of Jon Hamm!

Best TV Show (Comedy): Modern Family

It’s hilarious, and it singlehandedly revived the TV sitcom format. And, even though I’m a total Gleek, I have to admit that Glee really isn’t all that good as a show. It’s the music we care about! And even that they screw up.

Best Actress (Drama): Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy

Peg Bundy taken seriously as a dramatic actress? Only at the Golden Globes!

Best Actor (Drama): Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Bet you thought I was going to say Jon Hamm! But since Bryan Cranston, ahem, lost to cancer before, it’s his turn now. And, you know, he’s a totally amazing actor.

Best Actress (Comedy): Toni Collette, United States of Tara

She is totally incredible in this show, and deserves every award, period. And Lea Michele? Bitch please.

Best Actor (Comedy): Steve Carell, The Office

He’s kind of heartbreaking in The Office at times, and that’s more than you can say for Alec Baldwin, who has basically one expression at all times. Sorry Alec.

Then there’s a bunch of mini-series nominations that nobody on Earth cares about.

The End!


Review: MTV’s Teen Mom, Season 2

Teen-Mom

I had been hearing off and on that MTV’s reality series 16 and Pregnant and the follow-up, Teen Mom, were interesting and addictive, but I never thought about actually sitting down and watching these series. Well, after reading a random recommendation in NY Mag while at the doctor’s office, I figured I might check them out. And yesterday, while nursing a hangover and enjoying the kind of lazy Sunday where I only put on pants to pay for my takeout (the delivery guy is old and creepy or I wouldn’t even bother with that), I decided to start at the beginning of Season 2 of Teen Mom, which finished airing in mid-October. Needless to say, I ended up watching the whole damn season, including the Dr. Drew finale special. And I loved it!

Not having seen the first season or any of 16 and Pregnant, it took me a while to catch up on the background of some of these characters, but I soon became hooked. Teen Mom follows four teenaged girls who have had babies within the last couple of years. More importantly, it shows their environments, from their almost universally awful parents to the fathers of their children to how work, school and even apartment hunts are affected by their choices. There’s Maci, the overachieving cheerleader type from Chattanooga who got knocked up by the guy she lost her virginity to, a hunky strong-but-silent type named Ryan who sort of looks like a cross between James Franco and Brody Jenner, and who didn’t stick around for long after the baby was born. She dives into relationships and thinks that every one of them will last forever, displaying that special kind of naïveté that only teens have. When she decides to move to Nashville for a brand new relationship with some guy named Kyle, you just know it’s a bad idea, but it also seems like exactly the sort of thing a teenager would do. On the plus side, Maci definitely has the best parents of any of these girls. They’re supportive, understanding, and generally just seem like nice folks, but her mom has a serious case of Alison Janney in American Beauty, with her faded beauty elegance and vacant stare. She should always be holding a martini and gazing out the window, saying “what was that dear?” softly when you didn’t say anything. I think Maci’s mom may just be my favorite character.

Then there’s Amber, a pill-popping, badly educated and, worst of all, physically abusive girl who I swear, when she showed up on screen, made me think that the show had diversified to show what women in their 30s are going through as a nice contrast. But no, she’s supposedly a “teen.” What in Jerri Blank hell? Anyway, she berates and beats the crap out of her sweet boyfriend (and sometime fiancé) Gary, who is clingy and possessive and controlling and dangerously overweight, yes, but who is still a better father than the screaming, slurring, seriously stupid and destructive creature that is Amber. It’s a wonder the kid hasn’t been taken away from her — oh wait, it kind of was. Thank F-ing god.

Then we have the star-crossed stepsiblings, Catelynn and Tyler, who had a baby and gave it up for adoption, but are still haunted by the decision and go through all sorts of guilt issues while dealing with a terrible living situation. Even though the incest implications are there (it’s weird when they talk about what their parents are going through while cuddling, and when they get voted Prom King and Queen, you have to wonder if some of the kids were snickering at the stepsibling aspect), this is still the most solid couple in the show. They’re both smart and mature, and even though Tyler goes through a jealousy phase, they seem to be generally pretty stable, especially when compared with Tyler’s in-and-out-of-jail father, the mullet-wearing Butch, and Catelynn’s emotionally and verbally abusive mother, who is a walking anti-smoking campaign.

To round out this lovely group there is Farrah, who seems at first to have it all. She’s beautiful, has rich parents, and her best friend is a hairdresser so she’s always rocking fierce hairdos. However, right off the bat we see that her seemingly together, WASPy mother has serious issues, and that just because you have rich parents doesn’t mean they give you even a penny of help. It reminds me of Warren Buffett, and how he famously refuses to give any money to his relatives except for college tuition. Anyway, she has some of the most heartbreaking moments of the season, and she’s so amazingly ignorant (not being able to write a check, falling for the oldest con in the book, and so on and so on) that I want to keep watching just to see the episode where she buys the Brooklyn Bridge. Also, what’s up with her narration? It gets a little better over the course of the season, but there’s some serious robotic foolery going on there.

Obviously, the show doesn’t paint a pretty picture of what it’s like to deal with parenthood at such a young age, but beyond the teen aspect, there are recognizable elements of life in general on display throughout. It’s amazing how many issues go on in the show that I can relate to even now, and what’s more, some of the problems these girls have bring you right back to those terrifying teenage years when you felt trapped and every problem seemed like the biggest deal in the world. I like this show because it captures teenage life in an honest and often unflattering way, but in a way that seeks not to exploit the characters or make them look ugly, but rather to show the beauty, weirdness and the pain in even the little moments. It also captures amazing moments of childhood, like when Amber’s daughter watches out the window as her father moves out, or when Catelynn and the baby she gave up make faces at each other at a picnic while everyone else is talking, or when Maci’s baby is filmed just for a moment using a Big Wheel-mounted camera. Teen or adult, parent or not, we were all kids once, and we can all relate.