It seems like no time has passed since the last Golden Globe Awards, but the 2011 awards are upon us and airing tonight! I always get excited on award show days, what with the red carpet coverage, the celebrity musical numbers, the uncomfortable banter between wildly mismatched celebrity presenters, and of course, Jon Hamm. I imagine my dreamboat of choice will be singing, dancing, or at least playing off his Don Draper persona in hilarious ways. Make it so, Golden Globes!
Here are my predictions for how it will all play out, and here’s the full list of nominations for the curious.
Best Picture (Drama): Black Swan
Best Picture (Comedy or Musical): The Kids Are All Right
The other nominations are shitty so this is a no-brainer.
Best Actress (Drama): Natalie Portman, Black Swan
She made her feet bleed and lost a ton of weight, she deserves the accolade, and hopefully a free ham.
Best Actor (Drama): Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
I wish that Jesse Eisenberg would win because he totally transformed into Mark Zuckerberg. It was spooky. But Colin Firth was supposedly really amazing in that stuttering movie, and everyone loves period pieces. Plus I can’t imagine little young Jesse Eisenberg getting an award just yet. He still needs to prove himself.
Best Actress (Comedy): Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right
I always liked her and she deserves more awards. And why is Emma Stone from Easy A even on this list? What’s next, Anna Faris in The House Bunny being nominated? Please tell me Anna Faris was not nominated for The House Bunny, because I’m too lazy to look it up and I fear a world in which it could be true.
Best Actor (Comedy): Paul Giamatti, Barney’s Version
It comes down to Paul Giamatti and Kevin Spacey, and that’s a tough call for sure, especially since Mr. Spacey has been receiving a lot of attention for his turn as Jack Abramoff in Casino Jack. But when it comes down to it, for my money, Kevin Spacey isn’t half the actor Paul Giamatti is, so this one goes to Paul.
Best Supporting Actress in any movie: Melissa Leo, The Fighter
I haven’t seen this movie and I’m still not quite sure who Melissa Leo is, but she seems to be one of those “serious” actresses, like Laura Linney or Tilda Swinton, who people like to give awards to because they add a note of credibility to the proceedings with their bemused attitude that totally takes seriously meaningless drivel like the Golden Globes.
Best Supporting Actor in any movie: Oh great, Michael Douglas is nominated
Well I guess we know how this one is going to go, even though he’s in remission and even he took his diagnosis with good humor. OK, let’s just play, if Michael Douglas was in perfect health, who would win? I say Christian Bale. But it’s a moot point because, you know, cancer. See: Michael C. Hall and Bryan Cranston.
Best Animated Movie: Toy Story 3
Best Foreign Film: I have no idea
Best Director: Christopher Nolan, Inception
Sure, David Fincher did a great job with The Social Network and all of its cornflower blue icons, but Christopher Nolan made like three interwoven virtual worlds, man. And like, folded a city in half or some shit. I don’t really remember, I was drunk as shit when I watched that movie.
Best Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network
It’s Aaron Sorkin, and for some reason Hollywood has it bad for this guy. Don’t ask me why. I never did like The West Wing. And remember 30 Rock at the Sunset Strip or whatever, that mess was just awful. But yeah he’ll win.
Best Song and Score: Who the hell cares, get to the TV shows
Best TV Show (Drama): Mad Men
It better win, because that means more shots of Jon Hamm!
Best TV Show (Comedy): Modern Family
It’s hilarious, and it singlehandedly revived the TV sitcom format. And, even though I’m a total Gleek, I have to admit that Glee really isn’t all that good as a show. It’s the music we care about! And even that they screw up.
Best Actress (Drama): Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy
Peg Bundy taken seriously as a dramatic actress? Only at the Golden Globes!
Best Actor (Drama): Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Bet you thought I was going to say Jon Hamm! But since Bryan Cranston, ahem, lost to cancer before, it’s his turn now. And, you know, he’s a totally amazing actor.
Best Actress (Comedy): Toni Collette, United States of Tara
She is totally incredible in this show, and deserves every award, period. And Lea Michele? Bitch please.
Best Actor (Comedy): Steve Carell, The Office
He’s kind of heartbreaking in The Office at times, and that’s more than you can say for Alec Baldwin, who has basically one expression at all times. Sorry Alec.
Then there’s a bunch of mini-series nominations that nobody on Earth cares about.