A Night at the Bar

One (adjective) Tuesday night, Laura and Liz were pondering what to do with their evening.  Play a (noun) game, perhaps?  Or maybe they could finally get around to writing that great American (noun).  None of these ideas seemed good enough, though, and finally Liz had the most amazing idea in the world.  “Let’s go to the bar!” she exclaimed (adverb).

“Hot damn!” Laura said, and soon they were on their way to the hippest part of downtown, where all the (adjective) people hang out.

They saw that a bar called (Noun) had a two-for-one special on Strawberry (Plural noun), and so they decided to check it out.  A handsome gentleman from across the bar introduced himself as (man’s name) and asked if he could buy Liz her next drink.  Hearts appeared in her eyes immediately, what with the offer of free liquor.

After a few rounds and a few too many (type of liquor) shots, Laura was about ready to go home.  Liz, however, was still going strong, and to prove it, she ordered an Irish (Noun) Bomb.  Unfortunately, it turned out to be one drink too many, and as she clutched her stomach in terror, she knew vomiting wasn’t far away.  She ran to the bathroom and spent the rest of the evening hunched over the (adjective) bar toilet with Laura holding back her (adjective) hair.  Liz’s date grew tired of waiting and went home with a hoochie named (woman’s name).  But at least everyone got good and drunk.

Bringing Home Your New Puppy

We can all imagine the joy that is welcoming a darling, (adjective) puppy into your home. Tenants of apartments large, small, or (adjective) can in most cases find the right dog for their needs. You just want to make sure you have enough room for them to (verb) around a bit and not be driven to shit in the (noun). In fact, be sure to walk you dog every (number) hours, so that it not only is properly exercised, but also so that it does not tinkle on your (noun).

Be sure to purchase plenty of (adjective) pet costumes on the Internet. These tasteful, (adjective) items are hilarious and very good at parties, you’ll find.  Just bring your darling puppy out dressed as a (occupation), and you’ll see all of your guests (verb) intensely at the (adjective) sight before them. If you fear your pet may be uncomfortable, don’t worry – I guaranteed you you’ll be (verb ending in ing) too much to notice.

Care aside, having a dog around will bring you the companionship you deserve, never mind the fact that you haven’t had a date in (number) years. The dog will love you like no human can, and will even bring (adjective) prizes to your doorstep like headless (animal, plural) and old (plural noun) from the junkyard.  Enjoy!

Laura Writes a Novel

Although it may be hard to believe, young Laura has a lot of interesting, deep things going on in her (adjective) head, and thusly one day she decided to write a novel. After locking herself into her room for (number) months with nothing but (type of food), (illegal drug), and a typewriter, she finally had a (adjective) manuscript ready for print. Indeed, she’d composed a modern masterpiece, with moments poignant, moments (adjective), and enough human drama to make you weep tears of (liquid).

All she had to do now was find a suitable publisher, one who believed in her (adjective) story. She (adverb) shopped around the biggest names in publishing, only to find they’d rather hire a (noun) than her. For this, you can bet Liz mocked her (adverb). But then one glorious day, she received a phone call from Stanley Swindle, a (adjective) fellow who agreed to publish and distribute her work, and promised her the generous royalty of (number) percent of all sales. And so my friends, this is how our beloved Laura came to publish her (noun)-winning novel, The Girl Who (Verb, past tense) Too Much: A Memoir.

Laura Goes to the Oscars

Finally, after years of struggling artistically and going unappreciated in her own time, Laura received the long-overdue news that she was being nominated for an Academy Award.  “It’s about time those (plural noun) got their shit together!” Laura was heard to exclaim.  “Come on Liz, we’re going to Hollywood!”

So Liz and Laura packed their (plural noun) and headed off to that golden land of opportunity known as California.  Their road trip took them longer than they expected, due to the fact that they stopped at every (adjective) bar along the way, but eventually they got there.  Their first night in town, they got dressed up (adverb) and took in the nightlife, hobnobbing with (celebrity) and doing copious amounts of (drug).  The next day, tired and (adjective), they got gussied up and made it, a half hour late, to the Oscars.

All the stars were there, from (celebrity) to (celebrity).  Even worthless skanks like (celebrity) and Cameron Diaz were on the scene, looking for some dicks to suck, no doubt.  Laura wore a daring, off-the-shoulder evening gown which wowed the critics, while Liz made the bold choice of donning a (color) frock with a rather (adjective) V-neck.  Joan Rivers was heard to exclaim “Those are the most (adjective) outfits I’ve ever seen!”

After the boring awards got out of the way, it came time for Laura’s category, “Best Writing for a Miniseries or TV Movie.”  Laura’s epic miniseries about the rise and fall of (famous historical figure) was up against some stiff competition, and she was biting her nails in anticipation.  Finally they announced the winner: (famous movie director).  “Curses!” Laura screamed, tearing up her acceptance speech.  “I hope the Academy rots in hell!” she cried as she pulled out her extensions and stormed out.  “This whole thing is fixed, fixed I tell you!”

“What would make you think that?” Liz asked, winking at the voting committee.

A Day at the Zoo

One fine summer day, (girl’s name) received a phone call from her sweetie, (boy’s name).  He suggested that perhaps they ought to take advantage of the (adjective) weather and pay a visit to the city zoo!  She agreed, and soon they were on their way.

First they made their way through the aviary, where they spotted a rare yellow-spotted (noun) protecting its nest.  Next they made their way to the monkey cages, where a young monkey was delighting young and old by (verb ending in -ing) its (noun) at the crowd.  They then proceeded to the (adjective) (animal) exhibit, where romance was in the air, if you know what I’m saying. 

After a spot of lunch and a trip to the (noun) shop, the couple paid one last visit to their favorite part of the zoo, the (adjective) (animal) cage, before calling it a day.  Although the zoo’s (adjective) aroma left something to be desired, they both declared they’d be back again soon.

Attending a Rock Concert

If you fancy yourself a music fan, there are few things more satisfying and (adjective) than attending a rock concert. Once you’ve secured your tickets without having paid an arm and a (body part), be sure to show up early so as not to miss the (adjective) opening band. You may also want to bring a flask filled with (liquid), since it can be hard to flag down a waitress, and when you do they’re often (adjective) anyway. 

Once you’ve secured a good spot in the crowd, where you’re hopefully not being poked by anyone’s (noun) or drunken girlfriend, it’s time for the (noun) to begin.  If the sound guy isn’t too high on (illegal drug), you’ll be in for a good bit of culture. Your favorite musical act the Bleeding (Body part), and their opening act the (Adjective) Butts, are sure to play a set of old hits and new, more contemporary (plural noun). Be aware that the douchebag next to you is likely to (adverb) shout out a request for (song title). 

After an excellent show and (number) encores, you’re sure to have had yourself an excellent time.  Hopefully they played that one song you like so much off their first album, My Heart is Like a (Noun). Now go home, wash all the (bodily fluid) off your body, and write about it in your blog.

Summer Movie Preview

When spring turns into summer and pleasantly warm turns into disgustingly hot, there’s no better relief from the harsh rays of the sun than a nice (adjective) movie theater.  Whether you’re on a date or just hanging out with your (plural noun), going to the movies is a perfect way to chase away those blues.  So naturally, studios like to keep it light with (noun)-packed blockbusters that appeal to (plural noun) across America. 

Popular hunk (male celebrity) stars in “Captain (Last name)’s (Noun),” a war epic set in (year).  (female celebrity) co-stars as his love interest, a (job) with a heart of (noun).  This tearjerker would be perfect for a hot summer (noun)!

Tom Cruise stars in “The (Noun) from (Location),” an action-packed sci-fi adventure that’s sure to be (adjective).  He plays an intergalactic (noun) on a mission to rescue sexy (name of female) from alien warlords.  Alien warlords shouldn’t be much of a stretch for a Scientologist, though, should they?

Finally, (name of friend) stars opposite (hunk) in “Honeymoon in (city),” a sexy comedy from the director of “License to (Verb)” and “The Wedding (Noun).”  Girls’ night out, anyone?

With so many movies to choose from, this summer promises to be (adjective) indeed.

Job Seeking Tips

Even the coolest and most creative among us must eventually give in to the reality of needing a job.  But today’s job market is more (adjective) than ever, and you have to be prepared.  First of all, make sure your résumé describes your (plural noun) accurately, and that it is free of (verb ending in -ing) errors.  It’s fine to write a/n (adjective) cover letter that you can tailor to fit the various jobs you’re applying for, but make sure to read through your letter (adverb) before submitting it.  You wouldn’t want to tell (company name) that you’re very excited at the prospect of working at (other company name)!

When searching for jobs to apply for, it’s tempting to stick with what you majored in, but don’t rule out jobs in (adjective) fields.  For instance, the (adjective) sector offers many rewarding opportunities and suprisingly (adjective) pay, while (noun) is a rapidly growing industry with a lot of potential.  And let’s not forget the ever-expanding (noun) industry, which isn’t showing any signs of slowing down!

The greatest résumé in the world won’t do you any good if you can’t hold your own during an interview.  Many otherwise confident people (verb) under the pressure of job interviews, and with good cause — most interviewers make up their minds within the first couple of minutes whether they’ll be (verb ending in -ing) you.  Most of it has to do with attitude and the way you (verb) yourself.  Interviewers like to throw out (adjective) questions, but they’re not so much interested in what you say as how well you can think on your (body part).  Just relax and be yourself, and before you know it you’ll be (verb ending in -ing) at your dream job!

Dating Tips

-Always bring your date (plural noun).  If you’re having a quiet night in, a bottle of (liquid) would be a fine choice as well. 

-Always take your date’s dietary (plural noun) into consideration when picking the restaurant.  You don’t want to show up at a greasy (noun) joint and find out your date’s a (noun)!

-A few drinks can help loosen up the conversation, but avoid having more than (number), or you’re liable to get a little (adjective).  There’s nothing worse than a date who’s been (verb ending in -ing) too much!

-Though you may be feeling amorous, resist the urge to go ‘all the way’ on the first date.  You will probably feel (adjective) the next day, and with the number of (plural noun) in the world today, you can never be too careful. 

-Once it seems like the (noun) may be getting serious, it’s important to get the important questions out of the way.  For instance, do their (noun) beliefs mesh with yours?  Do they feel the same way about (plural noun) as you do?  All of these can be potential (noun)-breakers.

-Some people take dating too seriously, but it’s supposed to be (adjective).  Don’t forget to have fun while you’re searching for your (noun)-mate! 

Visiting New York City

Millions of tourists flock to New York City every year, and it’s not hard to see why!  With all the (adjective) sights to see and over (number) restaurants, the hard part is choosing what to see and do first.  Plan ahead with the help of a guidebook from your local (noun) store, or by doing some research on the world wide (noun).  If you plan on travelling by subway, don’t forget to grab a free map from the (adjective) attendant in the (noun) booth. 

Most people try to fit a visit to a museum into their itinerary.  The Museum of Modern (noun) is a good place to start, as it features priceless relics of the ancient world, including a rare 800 year old (noun) and a collection of 18th-Century (noun)-studded (plural noun). 

Once dinnertime rolls around, head down to Little (country) for the best (adjective) (type of food) in town, or go to Chinatown for some authentic fried (animal), served the old-fashioned way, with the (body part) still on.  Save some room for dessert at “(man’s name) & Son,” an ice cream parlor that opened in (year).  It’s the perfect end to a (adjective) New York day!