What kind of alien dessert is McDonald’s serving in China?

I understand that people have different tastes in different places, and some of the menu items at foreign McDonald’s restaurants sound downright tasty, but it’s quite another matter when they make something that doesn’t even resemble Earth food.

What kind of goddamned dessert filling is this??!

mystery dessert mcdonalds china

(Click on picture to zoom in)

Here’s the menu link. I like that they call this part of the menu “Daintiness.”

Recipe: Easy Five Minute Chipotle Sauce

I made this sauce tonight and served it over steak, and it was awesome. The best part about it is that you don’t need a pot or a pan, just a blender and a dream. A little goes a long way. Enjoy!

1 small (7 oz) can of chipotle peppers
½ cup of Recaito (sauce base)
1 tsp. cumin
½ tsp. coriander
1 tsp. minced garlic
1 tbsp. cider vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste
1/3 cup olive oil

Put all of the ingredients except the olive oil into a blender and set to “blend” or “puree” for 1-2 minutes. Then add the olive oil and blend for another minute. Check for flavor and add more salt or pepper as needed. Serve cold or microwave for 30-45 seconds.

This sauce is great as a topper for steak, chicken, pork, and seafood (especially shrimp), or cold as a dipping sauce. Mix with mayonnaise to make an easy southwest sauce for sandwiches and other cold dishes.

Recipe: Laura’s Vegetable Lasagna

I grew up making a more traditional, meat-laden lasagna, but after my mom became a vegetarian and I became close to a long line of vegetarian friends, I had to start amending my recipe on occasion. Now I don’t really miss the meaty version, because this recipe for vegetable lasagna, which I’ve developed through trial and error over the years, is so damned satisfying.


2 boxes dry lasagna noodles

2 tbsp. olive oil

1 cup chopped shallots

2 tbsp. minced garlic

1 zucchini, thinly sliced

1 cup chopped broccoli

1 cup sliced mushrooms

1 eggplant, thinly sliced

2 large cans of diced tomatoes

1 tsp. oregano

2 tsp. basil

½ tsp. thyme

2 bay leaves

1 lb. mozzarella

1 cup grated parmesan

1 ½ cups ricotta cheese

1 egg

Let the sliced eggplant ‘weep’ their bitter juices out by arranging slices in a single layer, salting on both sides, and letting sit for 10-15 minutes. Then rinse slices and pat dry.

Heat olive oil in a saucepan and add shallots, then garlic. Let cook for 3-5 minutes, until shallots start to become translucent, then add the rest of the vegetables.

Let the vegetables cook until they begin to soften (5-8 minutes), then add canned tomatoes, oregano, basil, thyme, and bay leaves. Let simmer for at least 15 minutes.

Heat up a spaghetti pot of water with a pinch of salt, and boil pasta about halfway (4-5 minutes). While it’s boiling, mix the ricotta with the egg, half of the parmesan, and a sprinkle each of salt, pepper, and basil. Refrigerate the ricotta mixture until ready to use. Shred the mozzarella cheese and set aside.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In a large baking dish, start building the lasagna with a layer of sauce and vegetable mix. Top with a layer of noodles, then a layer of the ricotta cheese mixture, then a sprinkling of mozzarella. Repeat until you run out of noodles or reach the top of your baking dish, then top the final layer of noodles with sauce and the rest of your mozzarella. Sprinkle the remaining half cup of parmesan over the top.

Bake the lasagna until bubbly and starting to brown on the top, about 35 to 45 minutes. Let cool 5-10 minutes before serving.

Don’t forget to slice leftovers into single portions for easy freezing!

Recipe: Grilled Basa Fish with Herb Butter and Roasted Asparagus

Basa is a variety of catfish from Southeast Asia that was renamed due to pressure from the U.S. catfish board when it became too much of a competitor for the catfish market. However, according to Wikipedia, blind taste tests have proved that Americans prefer basa’s flavor to that of American catfish three to one. Here’s a recipe I came up with that I feel does this noble fish justice.


Basa fillets (One per person)


Olive oil



Lemon Pepper

Herb Butter (for 4):

¼ cup unsalted butter

¼ tsp. salt

¼ tsp. onion powder

1 tsp. tarragon

½ tsp. basil

1 tsp. minced garlic

¼ tsp. black pepper


6-8 stalks of asparagus per person

Olive oil



Minced garlic

First, prepare the herb butter. Let the butter soften at room temperature for 5-10 minutes, then smash it up with a fork in a sealable container like a Tupperware. Add the garlic and seasonings and combine until the ingredients are evenly dispersed. Seal the container and store in the refrigerator.

Place basa fillets in a resealable plastic bag or on a plate and sprinkle with salt, pepper, and lemon pepper on both sides. Drizzle both sides with olive oil, then seal and store in the refrigerator for at least 20 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Wash the asparagus and trim off the bottom edges. Lay them on a pan and sprinkle with salt, pepper, and minced garlic. Drizzle with olive oil, then put them in the oven for 15 minutes.

While the asparagus is cooking, heat up your electric grill or heat up a stovetop grill pan. If you don’t have one of those, a standard frying pan will work just as well. Grill the basa fillets for four to five minutes in a double-sided grill, or two to three minutes per side on a single-sided cooking surface.

Plate the cooked asparagus and basa fillets, then top each fillet with a generous spoonful of the chilled herb butter. Serve immediately.

The 10 Best and Worst Cereals

Breakfast cereal is so many things: a childhood staple, a convenient snack, an economical meal, a favorite of Jerry Seinfeld, and much more. Athletes yearn for placement on cereal boxes, and kids buy them just for the prizes inside. Collectors covet rare and out of print boxes (the only one I ever kept was the Michael Phelps Frosted Flakes box that got pulled), while cereal companies analyze every detail about the box colors and shelf placement of their products to maximize sales (ever notice that the healthy cereals are on the top shelf and the sugary ones on the bottom for kids to grab?).

Anyway, it’s delicious. So now, my good readers, I will celebrate my favorite breakfast cereals, and in the interest of balance, point out the ones that just aren’t doing it for me.

The Best

1. Frosted Flakes – Still the standard for awesome cereal. If I had to eat only one for the rest of my life, this would probably be it.

2. Lucky Charms – Okay, the cereal part ain’t all that, but when I was a kid whose parents usually bought healthy cereals like granola and those fruit-stuffed mini wheats (What were those called? That shit was good), nothing seemed more amazing and magical than a cereal laden with colorful marshmallows. And even though they don’t really taste like marshmallows, that weird crunchy texture is oddly appealing, with or without milk. Oh, and the Irish stereotype character is pretty ridiculous.

3. Honey Smacks – I think these used to be called Sugar Smacks, and then I remember when they started just being called Smacks. Whatever you want to call them, they’re damn good. I usually get the generic Malt O’ Meal bags of imitation Smacks these days, or sometimes I switch it up and get Golden Crisp, which deserves an honorable mention not only because it’s pretty much the same as Smacks, but also because of their delightful mascot, Sugar Bear. “Can’t get enough of that Golden Crisp…” Compared to him, the Smacks frog is faintly creepy. Why would I want a frog in my cereal?

4. Cap’n Crunch – In Tucson, where Liz and I spent our formative years, a fantastic restaurant called The Grill serves as one of the hubs of the downtown social scene, and we spent a good deal of time there. They had a menu item which I’ve yet to find the equivalent of in New York…a giant bowl of Cap’n Crunch. It was pretty much a salad bowl full of what seemed to be an entire box of the stuff, and a crapload of milk. That was a good meal right there.

5. Golden Grahams – At first I almost accidentally listed Cinnamon Toast Crunch, because I get the two confused sometimes, but I definitely prefer Golden Grahams. The graham cracker flavor, the sweet sweet honey cinnamon whatever they put on it, and its tendency to turn the milk really sweet all make this a fantastic cereal for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I can attest to having eaten it for all three meals within the past couple of weeks.

6. Crispix – I love this cereal, but I don’t see it very often anymore. Does that mean it’s been taken off the market, or will I see its crunchy face again? Either way, it’s so much better than Chex, if only because the rice side compliments the corn side so well. I don’t know how they do it, but it’s magic.

7. Honey Bunches of Oats: Just Bunches – I was already going to list Honey Bunches of Oats because, even though I’m getting tired of eating it since it’s often the cheapest cereal at the store and I end up buying it a lot, it’s still damn delicious. But then I recalled that they one-upped themselves and created the kind of cereal that I thought existed only in dreams…Just Bunches, which gets rid of all those boring flakes and gets straight to the point. Hey, isn’t this whole thing kind of a ripoff of Clusters, with its cute squirrel mascot? I think they might have done a Just Clusters version at some point. Hmmm….

8. Frosted Cheerios – Yes, I included another frosted cereal. I would include Frosted Mini Wheats as well, but they lose points because their frosting is usually pretty insufficient. Not so with the delightful Frosted Cheerios, which I remember trying as soon as they appeared in the grocery store for the first time and loving. Before that, Honey Nut was as sweet as Cheerios got, but this was the kind of thing a kid could like. They are also excellent as a dry snack.

9. Corn Pops – These are a hell of a lot better than Kix, which are okay and everything, but they don’t have nearly enough sugar. Corn Pops on the other hand are loaded with delicious sugar, and they have an awesome texture that doesn’t turn soggy too easily. Highly recommended.

10. Cracklin’ Oat Bran – Sure it’s kind of like health food, but once you try these sweet bricks of what appears to be something the DEA would seize in a bust, you’ll realize they’re really tiny bricks of deliciousness. I don’t know what they put in them to make them so tasty. Crack? I mean, because of the name.

Special Mention: Those variety packs of miniature cereal boxes. There’s nothing sweeter than having your pick of six or eight cereals in the morning. I also love when places like hotel buffets and restaurants serve mini boxes. Although I don’t think I ever attempted to turn my box into a bowl like they suggest. That just seems weird.

Special Mention 2: Count Chocola. As with Boo Berry, I don’t really like the cereal itself, but the concept is great.

The Worst

1. Grape Nuts – Clearly the blandest and dullest cereal out there. I once fell for their commercial and tried to make hot Grape Nuts, but it wasn’t any better than soggy cereal. Hot granola, on the other hand…yum.

2. Plain Shredded Wheat – When I was little and I found out you could buy huge bricks of shredded wheat that came two or four to a package, I was fascinated. I probably read about somebody putting sugar and milk on it in a book and thought it sounded like the coolest thing ever. So I made my mom buy me a box, and after pouring about a cup of sugar on one and attempting to eat it, I realized that there wasn’t much of a point. Now I wonder why they’re still being made and who would buy such a boring product. Still, they are pretty comical looking.

3. Corn Flakes – Meh. No flavor to speak of here, and I can’t eat them without thinking about Road to Wellville. Why waste your time with these when you can get the same thing, but frosted?

4. Fiber One Bran Cereal- Cardboard no, delicious…no. These things look and taste like twigs. Now, to be fair, I’ve tried their new products, with flakes and clusters and all that, and they’re perfectly tasty. But this old version just looks like you’re eating a bowl of grubs, or worse, animal droppings. Not appetizing.

5. Cookie Crisp – I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again…cookies aren’t cereal! Even if they’re weird dry tiny cookies like these. Instead of wasting money on these loser cookies, just buy a bag of Chips Ahoy and pour milk on them…much tastier. But it’s still not cereal.

6. Rice Krispies – Now, I love Rice Krispies Treats, like any other American who grew up after World War II, but as for the cereal itself, I find it comes up short. I like the noises it makes, but then the combination of the texture and the size of the grains makes me feel like I’m chewing on tiny styrofoam pellets, with about as much flavor.

7. Good Friends – I have no issue with the cereal itself, I’m sure it’s perfectly lovely. But that name! Plus the way the people are leering at you from the box makes you think that they’re more than just “good friends.”

8. Total – There’s nothing particularly wrong with the flavor of Total, and clearly it is quite healthy, but their commercials used to get on my nerves. Nobody’s going to eat a mountain of cereal just to equal the vitamins in one box of Total!

9. Special K – This cereal doesn’t taste terrible, but I have two problems with it. One: their ads imply that the cereal is some sort of miracle weight loss solution, when really it’s just cereal. Two: the name is just funny now that there’s a prominent rave drug named after it.

10. Reese’s Puffs – If cookies don’t have any business being in cereal, candy definitely doesn’t. It’s also deceptive. The image on the box implies that the cereal will taste like Reese’s cups, when in reality it’s just cocoa puffs with some peanut butter puffs mixed in. And the box also makes me want to eat my cereal out of a giant hollowed out Reese’s cup, which I suppose I could do if I made my own peanut butter cups in a pie pan…to the kitchen!

The Best Eats in Greenwood Heights

I’ve lived in the Brooklyn neighborhood oft referred to as Greenwood Heights (an area which also encompasses parts of Windsor Terrace, South Park Slope and Sunset Park) for nearly five years now, and in that time I’ve had my share of good and bad meals. So for those who are just moving into the neighborhood, or food enthusiasts passing through, I would like to share my picks for the best local food and drink options.

Best Bakery: Lopez Bakery, 645 5th Ave.

Best Fresh Produce: Rossman Fruit & Vegetable, 770 3rd Ave.

Best Family-Run Grocery Store: Eagle Provisions, 628 5th Ave.

Best Sushi: Kiku Sushi, 453 7th Ave.

Best Chinese: 5th Avenue Vegetarian Delight, 718 5th Ave.

Best Indian: Kinara, 473 5th Ave.

Best Thai: Watana, 420 7th Ave.

Best Pizza (Casual): Luigi’s Pizza, 686 5th Ave.

Best Pizza (Fancy): Toby’s Public House, 686 6th Ave.

Best Mexican (Takeout): Guerrero Food Center, 722 5th Ave.

Best Mexican (Sit-down): Tacos Matamoros, 4508 5th Ave.

Best Mexican (Brunch): Maria’s Bistro Mexicano, 886 5th Ave.

Best Peruvian: La Cuarta, 782 4th Ave.

Best Burger: Park Slope Ale House, 356 6th Ave.

Best Coffee: Southside Coffee, 652 6th Ave.

Best Ice Cream: Fabio’s Tropical Ices, 4918 4th Ave.

Best Watering Hole: Ellis Bar, 627 5th Ave.

Best Cocktails: Quarter, 676 5th Ave.

Best Diner: Lindo’s Donut Shop, 606 5th Ave.

Best Brunch: Sidecar Bar & Grill, 560 5th Ave.

Best Deli: Spiro’s Cafe, 942 4th Ave.

Best Rotisserie Chicken: La Parada Restaurant, 855 4th Ave.

Two excellent photography-related websites

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that the artist behind the following websites is a longtime friend of Liz and I, and was even my middle school writing partner (and co-creator of such genius works as “Superdog Through Time” and “Green Hearts of Salt.” Seriously, they’re hilarious, I should reprint them here at some point).

But regardless, Molly (for that’s her name) has a great photo website called I know, right?, as well as a Flickr site (stream?) that includes a category devoted just to pictures of interesting type and design details.  I fully recommend that you check these sites out immediately!

The Top 10 Stand-Up Comedians on my Playlist Right Now

A note: There are plenty of awesome comedians that aren’t on this list, like Andy Kaufman, Bill Hicks, and Lenny Bruce, but I have to be honest and put down the ones whose records I actually listen to often. Cheers!

1. George Carlin (my favorite, and I’m sad he’s dead)

2. Steve Martin (the early records)

3. Eddie Izzard (action transvestite)

4. Richard Pryor (comic gold)

5. Chris Rock (best working comic)

6. Bill Cosby (early work)

7. Mitch Hedberg (RIP)

8. Chelsea Handler (gotta love a fellow lady lush)

9. Wanda Sykes (hilarious, and a pothead)

10. The Smothers Brothers (early Tenacious D)

Why haven’t they made My Best Friend’s Wedding into a musical yet?

With a new movie musical coming out every other day, I wonder why nobody’s thought of turning rom-com favorite My Best Friend’s Wedding into the next Broadway sensation.  Think about it.  The soundtrack is comprised almost entirely of Burt Bacharach/Hal David songs, so you’ve got your music theme right there.  And it’s a cheesy, wedding-related chick flick, which will attract the Mamma Mia crowds when that show inevitably ends its run.

Let me know what you think of this idea, and/or if you want to give me money for it.