Ask Liz and Laura: Does graveyard water give you magic powers?

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Dear Liz and Laura,

Is it true that if you drink still water from a graveyard puddle reflecting a full moon you will gain powers of some sort? If so, what might they be and how long will they last?

Signed,

I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts

Dear Ghosts,

Liz and Laura know a thing or two about graveyards, having lived adjacent to one for years in the fine borough of Brooklyn. And from our experience, you would not want to drink anything you find there, nor in any graveyard, for that matter. For one thing, they typically use reclaimed water for their landscaping, and the ponds and lakes in our local graveyard, the stately Green-Wood, are questionable at best and usually filled with algae. Plus, ducks and geese are always hanging around there, leaving god knows what behind.

Lastly, we’re talking corpse water here. That can’t be sanitary. From a purely medical standpoint, we’d say that the series of infectious diseases you’re likely to get from drinking graveyard water would outweigh any made-up Wiccan/Pagan/Gothic purpose you think it will achieve.

But to answer your question, just between us…it makes you immortal.

Cheers,

Liz and Laura

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Ask Liz and Laura: Do thin walls make bad neighbors?

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Dear Liz and Laura,

How does one politely address to their neighbors that one can hear every little noise, private and public, coming through their walls? After repeated exposure, such a revelation would require some delicacy, if indeed it should be revealed at all (as surely the walls won’t become more dense). What does one do?

Signed,

Unintentional Eavesdropper

Dear Unintentional Eavesdropper,

This is indeed a delicate matter, one that should be handled with tact, respect, and understanding. However, that’s not the way Liz and Laura roll. What we’d do is give these inconsiderate rubes a taste of their own medicine. You can start by blasting grating music at all times (think the Boredoms, Cannibal Corpse, or the Jonas Brothers), alternating that with cranked-up pornography, reruns of The View, and a looping tape of those Optimum Triple Play commercials. After a while they’ll get the message. Failing that, you could just get some earplugs and/or turn up your favorite tunes and deal with it. If that doesn’t work, and if asking them politely doesn’t work (either via slipping an anonymous note under their door or manning up and talking to them face to face)….move! There are lots of apartments out there, many of them surprisingly noiseproof (we blast bad movies until 5 in the morning regularly, and our neighbors deny hearing a thing). Don’t give up hope, young renter!

Cheers,

Liz and Laura

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Ask Liz and Laura: How can roommates resolve their decorating differences?

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Dear Liz and Laura,

Your roommate has rejected a small photo you wished to put up on the basis that it ‘messes with his vibes’. He then proceeds to put up a 5 foot by 6 foot tapestry of Bob Marley in the Irie colors. How to proceed?

Signed,

No Roommate No Cry

Dear No Roommate No Cry,

You neglected to mention what your “small photo” depicted. If it were, say, of a bloody moose head, or Cameron Diaz, that might be objectionable to anyone. But if he simply won’t let you contribute to the decoration, that just ain’t fair. You should revisit the ground rules of sharing the space and assert the fact that you want to express yourself and feel comfortable at home just like he does. As to the stoner tapestry, there’s nothing wrong with Bob Marley, but the decoration you described does sound like something out of the bargain bin at a head shop, and/or a freshman dorm room. Perhaps you could delicately suggest that your roomie move the offending article into his bedroom because it’s ruining your dating life. Nobody wants to take a hottie home from the bar and have her first impression be that of a weed-laden bachelor craphouse. If your roommate has any interest in his own dating life, he should 86 the hippie flag altogether.

Cheers,

Liz and Laura

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Ask Liz and Laura: Totino’s Party Pizza Enhancement

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Dear Liz and Laura,

Knowing that Liz and Laura are veritable connoisseurs of the $1 modern marvel of the Totino’s Party Pizza, I was wondering if they had any suggestions for spicing up the delicacy. I’ve been experimenting with a dash of garlic powder and a capful of olive oil and have had mixed results. Help me break into the after-market novelty frozen pizza seasoning business!

Signed,

Chuck E. Confounded

Dear Chuck,

Your question immediately brings to mind an observation Liz once made concerning another cheap bachelor pad favorite, ramen noodles.  She noted, “The second you add anything at all to these noodles, they are no longer serving their intended function. I’ve seen people add everything from butter to Korean soybean paste to the stuff in order to create a more tantalizing meal, but to this I say “Stop, you fool.” For when these additions occur, one is no longer consuming a ten cent college meal. If you have the time, and cooking and flavor knowledge to create such a thing, then for the love of God go to the store and purchase real pasta and real ingredients.”  By attempting to add authentic Italian ingredients like olive oil and garlic, you are trying to turn this pizza into something it isn’t…real pizza.

Be that as it may, Totino’s costs a whopping ten and sometimes twenty times the amount of a mere package of ramen, so if cheapness alone were a concern for your dinnertime options, you would probably go with something else.  But you, sir, are as you say, a connoisseur of the inimitable flavor sensation that is Totino’s, as is Laura, and you know that this pizza offers a special zing that sets it apart from the others.  That being the case, you must work with the flavors of the fake cheese, questionable meat-type lumps, and sauce substitute that barely crosses the ketchup line.  Like any good fast food product or convenience store triangle sandwich, you must overcome the blandness with something equally artificial, but still flavorful.  We propose the following suggestions (which granted, we haven’t tried): canned spray cheese, Bac-O Bits, ranch dressing, savory chunks o’ Spam, I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter spray, packets of taco sauce, crumbled Funyuns, and our personal favorite, Tapatío sauce.  It’s the ketchup of Mexico.

And so my friend, we commend your newly expanded mealtime possibilities, and the frugality you’ve so unabashedly displayed.

Bon Apetit,

Liz and Laura

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Ask Liz and Laura: How long should you wait before gettin’ sexy with a new sweetie?

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Dear Liz and Laura,

I was criticized over the weekend for my 12-hour rule. Basically, I have a rule with women. if I’m starting to date or becoming friend or both or neither, I can’t see them topless or bottomless before being in their presense for 12-hours. Example, you meet a girl at a party, you talk for an hour, decide we should go on a date, that’s an hour. Meet for dinner at 7pm-have drinks until midnight, that’s five hours + 1 = 6 hours. Next date, we got dinner and movie, say 4 hours. that’s 10. So by the third date when it gets to the 2 hours mark, I’m free and clear. You get it? So what do you think of my rule?

A very patient man

Dear Man,

Criticized? So a lady you were on a third date with was wondering why you hadn’t yet laid on the sexy moves? I’d say your policy is quite refreshing in this day and age, what with the booze-driven, “Hey, we just met, let’s bone in the coat check room” attitude that is so common in the modern world of dating. During those crucial first few dates, most of the women I know fret about when it’s appropriate to safely enjoy certain levels of romance, without seeming overly slutty in the gentleman’s mind. We all have our bodily needs and desires, but most of us are also aware that it’s dangerous to rush into physical intimacy before deciding if you actually like the person, or even can stand being in the same room with them for five minutes. Clearly you are well aware of this fact, otherwise, why would you have created this 12-hour rule in the first place?

Thusly, it’s somewhat shocking that this lady friend of yours became so frustrated. We’d say she should appreciate your personal code of courtship, and be glad you’re not another frat boy date rapist trying to slip her a roofiecolada. But perhaps she was unaware of your 12-hour policy, and by the third date was interpreting your failure to make a move as lack of interest. Women accustomed to the singles’ scene (unfortunately) aren’t used to guys restraining themselves for two hours, much less twelve. We’ve all had our humiliating experiences where a crush turns out to be gay, asexual, married, or otherwise undateable, so you can’t blame a girl for taking note of a potential red flag. Bottom line is, if you keep calling, she should know that you’re still havin’ it. Now, if it’s been 36 hours and you still haven’t touched her, we give this girl full license to worry.

Good luck,

Liz and Laura

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