‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the city,
New Yorkers were searching for restaurants non-shitty.
Liz and Laura were nestled all cozy in Brooklyn,
Their christmas Totinos all ready for cookin’.
Liz in her muumuu and Laura a nightie
Were settling down in their rooms after “Evan Almighty.”
“Why, Steve Carell, why?” they murmured while sleeping,
Dreaming of all the free gifts they’d be reaping.
When all of a sudden, they each woke with a start!
A noise they had heard, and not just a night fart.
There was some kind of psychopath up on the roof,
A burgler they thought, though they hadn’t any proof.
Then Liz and Laura saw something amazing!
Their neighbor had run outside, shotgun a’blazing!
“Take that, and take that!” he shouted with fervor.
“We here in Brooklyn don’t take kindly to perverts.”
Did the neighbor kill Santa? Did Christmas he steal?
Why no, little children, because Santa ain’t real.
So to you, our dear readers, we wish yuletide cheer,
Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good beer!