Medals are for grown ups, tricks are for kids (and China)

I know I should be boycotting these dumb Olympics, but I’m a sucker for stuff like gymnastics since I used to do it (not well, but I did it). I also did synchronized swimming, with even less stellar results. But that’s beside the point. I think it’s a terrible injustice that these obviously underaged Chinese bitches got gold medals for flagrantly violating the rules. It’s bad enough the judges were awarding them suspiciously high scores, but everyone knows younger girls have a HUGE advantage when it comes to things like tumbling. It just ain’t right.

I say strip them of their medals immediately! It’s the only way to preserve the integrity of the games and previous records.

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Janet from Swingtown’s surprising early role…

tv_swingtown

As I’ve previously mentioned, I am a fan of CBS’ Swingtown, and now that I’m learning more about the actors in the show, I like it even more!  For one thing, the main husband is the British in-charge guy (Commodore Norrington I think) in Pirates of the Caribbean, and the girl who plays Trina was totally in Lost.

But this takes the cake!  Miriam Shor, aka Janet the morally-upright neighbor, has starred in not one but two John Cameron Mitchell films, Shortbus (in a minor role) and Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  And if you’ve seen Hedwig, you’ll be as shocked as I was that Janet played the important role of Yitzhak, the drag king who rocked out with (and occasionally got busy with) Hedwig! (see picture below)

Hedwig

What a transformation!  I tip my hat to this woman.

Laura’s 5 Favorite (and Least Favorite) Celebrity Couples

Celebrity couples come and go like the seasons, reminding us all that love is fleeting when you’re a self-obsessed narcissist with a Napoleonic complex. Some of them last a year, even two, giving us little people a brief glimpse of hope that love can be everlasting, until the inevitable extramarital affair scandal followed by the courtroom drama of a multi-million dollar divorce. Either way, we at home get our entertainment. God Bless America.

Now that I’ve thoroughly over-analyzed the topic, here are the top (and bottom) 5 current celebrity couples in my opinion.

LEAST NAUSEATING

1. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

brangelina

I was truly torn between placing them in this category or the other, but in the end I realized that any animosity I might feel towards them is only jealousy of the fact that Brad Pitt isn’t with me, as he rightly should be. And that’s not a reason to hate on such a good-looking couple. Okay, the eighty kids thing is kind of precious-overload, and I would rather die than pay 4 dollars to look at 19 pictures of twin babies that, according to my own psychic predictions, will look an awful lot like normal babies. But that doesn’t change the fact that Brangelina are damn hot together.

2. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

Sam Lindsay smaller

They always look so happy together, and I think it’s about time Hollywood saw an example of a semi-normal (as normal as a couple that includes Lindsay Lohan could be) girl-girl couple. Oh wait, there’s also Ellen and Portia, but I don’t like how Ellen dumped her last girlfriend to get with the younger, hotter Portia. If Portia was Angelina, I’d understand, but she ain’t. And I think Samantha is cute as a button, and haters need to stop calling her a man. Not everyone has to wear extensions and heels!

3. Beyonce and Jay Z

beyonce-and-jay-z-expecting

Beyonce is still pretty cool, despite her string of less-than-stellar Hollywood performances and less-than-I-listened-to-them last couple of albums. And Jay Z is OK by me, despite being kinda commercial — I can never dislike someone who samples from Broadway’s Annie. They seem so different, but somehow they work, like gin and tonic, or gin and vermouth, or gin and whatever I have in the fridge.

4. Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick

SJP with Matthew

They just go so well together, and who would have thought? I imagine they have just the cutest life, hanging out in the West Village with Amy Sedaris and raising those impossibly cute kids and looking fabulous. And then at night they have money fights with the dough SJP picked up from the Sex and the City movie.

5. Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis

mila_kunis and Macauley

Weird but true, the kid from Home Alone and the girl from That 70’s Show (not to mention Family Guy and Forgetting Sarah Marshall) are an item, and have been for some time. They’ve been dating since 2002, in fact, and somehow I never heard about it, probably because they prefer to stay under the radar. I don’t know why this makes me happy, but it does.

Honorable mention: RIP Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman! It ended far too soon, and it makes me sad.

MOST NAUSEATING

1. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Cruise Holmes Sighting

What is there to say about the unholy union between the Messiah of Scienturdogy and his frighteningly robotic child bride that hasn’t already been said? The fact that they’re starting to look and dress alike, down to their matching robot child, is pretty damn terrifying, though.

2. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer

aniston_mayer320

I would guess that she’s too old for him, but I refuse to spend the time to look it up and find out. They already violated my virgin (ha) eyes with their gross makeout pictures, they’re not taking any more of me. Okay, you could argue that I took the time to write about them and find that crappy-ass picture above. But that is to help others avoid my fate — save yourselves while you can!

3. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck

garner affleck

Every time I hear they’re having another baby, I cry a little inside, knowing we’re not getting out of hearing about these douchebags for at least another year. I have nothing against them — they seem like “really nice people” and all — but they’re about as exciting as watching the mold in my bathroom grow. Believe me, it’s not as thrilling as it sounds.

4. Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey

carrey mccarthy

First of all, there are entirely too many y’s in their names. If Jim started calling himself Jimmy I’d have to shoot myself. Secondly, I’m sick of hearing Jenny preach her quasi-Scientology crap on every talk show. Do you want us to go back to having smallpox and polio? No? Then quit telling people to stop immunizing! Being a co-host on Singled Out in the ’90s doesn’t qualify you as a medical expert, so shut your irresponsible, botoxed mouth before you kill someone! And Jim is only enabling her.

5. Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood

marilyn_manson_evan_rachel_wood

Ew, ew, ew. Somebody please tell me that they’re not really sleeping together, that he’s just a mentor, a friend, a platonic hang-out buddy…please?

Heifer International is like Second Life, but real

All these people willing to pour money into games like Second Life and The Sims for the joy of playing God should really think about throwing a few bucks at Heifer International.  For one thing, not enough people give any money at all to good causes, but more importantly, it’s really fun.

I give to them whenever I can because I like the interactive experience.  You choose what kinds of things you want to send to poor villagers someplace, and it can be anything from a flock of chicks (awww) to tree saplings to bee colonies.  Or you can go all out and get the more expensive larger animals (cows, pigs, etc.) or a share of them, if you can’t afford the whole hog.

I’m telling you, it’s fun and you can donate as much money as you want so do it today!

Short List: 5 TV Shows I Just Don’t Get

It confounds me that these shows are not only still on the air, but popular.

1. Heroes

It’s just a crappy ripoff of the X-Men! Doesn’t anyone else see that?

2. 24

Terrorism is boring. And so is this show.

3. Grey’s Anatomy

Blah blah, love, blah blah, medical jargon. I don’t know how this show is supposed to be different from ER, which always had love plots and soap opera type situations.

4. Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC)

Grown men beating the crap out of each other using any methods necessary? I could see that for free any Saturday night at my local taberna.

5. The Biggest Loser

I’m glad whenever an obese person decides to get healthy, but do I have to watch the whole sweaty process? Gross.

Are those roofies in the Tonight Show credits?

Before you think ill of me, I don’t usually watch Jay Leno’s poopy Tonight Show. I’d rather occupy my time in ways that don’t make me want to off myself slowly with a pellet gun. But I happened to catch the opening credits the other day, and I was shocked — shocked! — to see what appeared to be a roofie scene!

Someone in the stylized cartoon world drops a pill of some sort into a drink, and it turns blue! Then they cut to something else but it’s as clear as day. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a video of this online but tune in and see for yourself. It’s very bizarre.