Celebrity couples come and go like the seasons, reminding us all that love is fleeting when you’re a self-obsessed narcissist with a Napoleonic complex. Some of them last a year, even two, giving us little people a brief glimpse of hope that love can be everlasting, until the inevitable extramarital affair scandal followed by the courtroom drama of a multi-million dollar divorce. Either way, we at home get our entertainment. God Bless America.
Now that I’ve thoroughly over-analyzed the topic, here are the top (and bottom) 5 current celebrity couples in my opinion.
1. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
I was truly torn between placing them in this category or the other, but in the end I realized that any animosity I might feel towards them is only jealousy of the fact that Brad Pitt isn’t with me, as he rightly should be. And that’s not a reason to hate on such a good-looking couple. Okay, the eighty kids thing is kind of precious-overload, and I would rather die than pay 4 dollars to look at 19 pictures of twin babies that, according to my own psychic predictions, will look an awful lot like normal babies. But that doesn’t change the fact that Brangelina are damn hot together.
2. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson
They always look so happy together, and I think it’s about time Hollywood saw an example of a semi-normal (as normal as a couple that includes Lindsay Lohan could be) girl-girl couple. Oh wait, there’s also Ellen and Portia, but I don’t like how Ellen dumped her last girlfriend to get with the younger, hotter Portia. If Portia was Angelina, I’d understand, but she ain’t. And I think Samantha is cute as a button, and haters need to stop calling her a man. Not everyone has to wear extensions and heels!
3. Beyonce and Jay Z
Beyonce is still pretty cool, despite her string of less-than-stellar Hollywood performances and less-than-I-listened-to-them last couple of albums. And Jay Z is OK by me, despite being kinda commercial — I can never dislike someone who samples from Broadway’s Annie. They seem so different, but somehow they work, like gin and tonic, or gin and vermouth, or gin and whatever I have in the fridge.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick
They just go so well together, and who would have thought? I imagine they have just the cutest life, hanging out in the West Village with Amy Sedaris and raising those impossibly cute kids and looking fabulous. And then at night they have money fights with the dough SJP picked up from the Sex and the City movie.
5. Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis
Weird but true, the kid from Home Alone and the girl from That 70’s Show (not to mention Family Guy and Forgetting Sarah Marshall) are an item, and have been for some time. They’ve been dating since 2002, in fact, and somehow I never heard about it, probably because they prefer to stay under the radar. I don’t know why this makes me happy, but it does.
Honorable mention: RIP Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman! It ended far too soon, and it makes me sad.
1. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
What is there to say about the unholy union between the Messiah of Scienturdogy and his frighteningly robotic child bride that hasn’t already been said? The fact that they’re starting to look and dress alike, down to their matching robot child, is pretty damn terrifying, though.
2. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer
I would guess that she’s too old for him, but I refuse to spend the time to look it up and find out. They already violated my virgin (ha) eyes with their gross makeout pictures, they’re not taking any more of me. Okay, you could argue that I took the time to write about them and find that crappy-ass picture above. But that is to help others avoid my fate — save yourselves while you can!
3. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck
Every time I hear they’re having another baby, I cry a little inside, knowing we’re not getting out of hearing about these douchebags for at least another year. I have nothing against them — they seem like “really nice people” and all — but they’re about as exciting as watching the mold in my bathroom grow. Believe me, it’s not as thrilling as it sounds.
4. Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey
First of all, there are entirely too many y’s in their names. If Jim started calling himself Jimmy I’d have to shoot myself. Secondly, I’m sick of hearing Jenny preach her quasi-Scientology crap on every talk show. Do you want us to go back to having smallpox and polio? No? Then quit telling people to stop immunizing! Being a co-host on Singled Out in the ’90s doesn’t qualify you as a medical expert, so shut your irresponsible, botoxed mouth before you kill someone! And Jim is only enabling her.
5. Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood
Ew, ew, ew. Somebody please tell me that they’re not really sleeping together, that he’s just a mentor, a friend, a platonic hang-out buddy…please?