Ask Liz and Laura: Totino’s Party Pizza Enhancement

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Dear Liz and Laura,

Knowing that Liz and Laura are veritable connoisseurs of the $1 modern marvel of the Totino’s Party Pizza, I was wondering if they had any suggestions for spicing up the delicacy. I’ve been experimenting with a dash of garlic powder and a capful of olive oil and have had mixed results. Help me break into the after-market novelty frozen pizza seasoning business!


Chuck E. Confounded

Dear Chuck,

Your question immediately brings to mind an observation Liz once made concerning another cheap bachelor pad favorite, ramen noodles.  She noted, “The second you add anything at all to these noodles, they are no longer serving their intended function. I’ve seen people add everything from butter to Korean soybean paste to the stuff in order to create a more tantalizing meal, but to this I say “Stop, you fool.” For when these additions occur, one is no longer consuming a ten cent college meal. If you have the time, and cooking and flavor knowledge to create such a thing, then for the love of God go to the store and purchase real pasta and real ingredients.”  By attempting to add authentic Italian ingredients like olive oil and garlic, you are trying to turn this pizza into something it isn’t…real pizza.

Be that as it may, Totino’s costs a whopping ten and sometimes twenty times the amount of a mere package of ramen, so if cheapness alone were a concern for your dinnertime options, you would probably go with something else.  But you, sir, are as you say, a connoisseur of the inimitable flavor sensation that is Totino’s, as is Laura, and you know that this pizza offers a special zing that sets it apart from the others.  That being the case, you must work with the flavors of the fake cheese, questionable meat-type lumps, and sauce substitute that barely crosses the ketchup line.  Like any good fast food product or convenience store triangle sandwich, you must overcome the blandness with something equally artificial, but still flavorful.  We propose the following suggestions (which granted, we haven’t tried): canned spray cheese, Bac-O Bits, ranch dressing, savory chunks o’ Spam, I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter spray, packets of taco sauce, crumbled Funyuns, and our personal favorite, Tapatío sauce.  It’s the ketchup of Mexico.

And so my friend, we commend your newly expanded mealtime possibilities, and the frugality you’ve so unabashedly displayed.

Bon Apetit,

Liz and Laura

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