The 2007 Celebrity Superlatives – The Best, Worst, and Freakiest

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As 2007 comes to a close, I would like to take a look back at some of the celebrity moments that have defined this year. I warn you, it wasn’t a pretty year.

Most Differently-Abled Celebrity

Britney Spears took this category, and not by a nose. She redefined non-medical retardation this year, what with her shitty parenting, her pill-popping, amphetamine-snorting ways, and her hideous outfits. But I still say people should lay off the snaps about Brit shaving her head. The news personalities have been saying things like, “Before that, we only thought something was wrong. After she shaved her head, we knew she was out of control.” Since when is a shorn head proof of mental disease? Something about all that strikes me as sexist.

Most Transparently Self-Serving Hollywood Trend

Anything that refers to itself as Green has officially gotten on my last nerve. I’m all for environmentalism, but I was also all for environmentalism back in 1992 when it was called just that, and when Global Warming was all over the newspapers. This time around, nothing seems to have changed, except some intern has been going around coining catch phrases that’ll look good on CNN’s website. Words and phrases like “Green,” “Carbon Footprint,” “Biofuel” (whatever that means) and the like have obscured the real message, all the while lining the pockets of executives at GE and countless other companies.

Most Over-Documented News Event

The death of semi-celebrity Anna Nicole Smith. Before she died, she was a laughingstock, a vomiting, slurring clown that only existed in the public eye as an oddity, a sideshow freak at best. But the second she dies, the woman’s fucking Mother Theresa! I ask you, why?

Grossest Celebrity Couple

Michael Bolton decided to hook up with Desperate Housewives’ Nicolette Sheridan. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he decided they should make an album together. It’s as if the God of Tackiness is hard at work, conspiring to create the Antichrist of Taste.

Most Simultaneously Hypnotic and Revolting Celebrity Trend

Jail to Rehab and back to Jail again. The Keystone Cops aspect of it wore off a long time ago, and now it’s just getting in the way of more interesting celebrity news. Say, news about junkies like…

Heroin Spokesman and Spokeswoman of the Year

Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse. They’ve been chillaxing together lately, which leads me to believe that they may be headed for romance. Yes, Amy’s, like, totally, completely devoted to Blake Fielder-Something, but he’s in the slammer! Nothing wrong with a quick one whilst he’s away, ey, Winey?

Freakiest Baby

That weird Suri Cruise character. Not only is it abnormally perfect (they probably paid top dollar to have its genes tuned up in the womb) and creepily doll-like in appearance, it’s a born Scientologist, raised by the King of the Scientologists himself. That kid’s going to be a little Damien soon enough, and I can’t wait! I’d like to see her throw little Shiloh Jolie across the room…with mind bullets!

Most Pathetic Musician

Kid Rock. This February, he divorced Pamela Anderson, losing any scrap of credibility that sham marriage might have given him. Then he spent the rest of the year bitching about it. Jesus Christ, Kid, we get it, you’re white trash! Enough.

Fakest Couple

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens win this prize, hands down. Several tabloids have posted blind (and not-so-blind) items about how Disney is forcing this unfortunate “couple” to maintain the façade of heterosexual romance, despite Zac’s obvious homosexuality. The only thing that could make it more obvious would be, say, if he kissed his copilot on the stairs of his private jet.

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White Rabbits and Harlem Shakes

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Harlem Shakes and White Rabbits played a sold-out show at Bowery Ballroom last night to an lively young crowd that contained a healthy mix of fans for each band. Harlem Shakes have been playing some big shows this year, including having opened for Tokyo Police Club at this same venue a few months ago. This exposure is well deserved, as they certainly command an audience’s attention with their engaging sound and high energy. Their formula may not be unique in a music world overstuffed with indie five-pieces who can write catchy songs, but what makes these guys stand out is that each individual lends something palatable to the band’s overall sound. Each member commands their own place in the loud blend, their individual parts delivered enthusiastically and easy to pick out from the mix. One really gets the idea that every member of the band is contributing something important if not crucial to the resulting sound. Brent the singer adds an especially noteworthy element to the band’s noise with his nasally wail that is as distinct as it is powerful.

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After Harlem Shakes the crowd was adequately pumped for the main attraction, White Rabbits, who’ve been getting quite a bit of positive press for their recent album Fort Nightly. Indeed, the first few rows were stuffed with dancing cuties who mouthed the lyrics sweetly as if they’d had this album on repeat for years. White Rabbits have an excellent talent for creating catchy tunes with anthemic choruses perfect for singing along to. You can tell they’re serious about the music they play because their setup allows for certain intricacies and explorations many bands simply could not replicate. Simply put –they’ve got themselves two drummers. And, one of them played a few numbers with maracas instead of drumsticks. Now that’s entertainment. Another driving force is the clamoring saloon piano that drives the composition of the songs and gives the music a nice old-timey feel. They saved their party hit “The Plot” for almost the end of a set which thrilled the crowd and proved to be the highlight of the evening.

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A little light Christmas reading

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I always get annoyed when Christians complain about how Christmas has become so commercialized, and that it should be about Jesus, not Santa. But if you think about it, Santa predates Jesus by a long shot. Read on…(material from Wikipedia, which also has a great entry on Yule, the precursor to Christmas.)

Influence of Germanic paganism and folklore

An 1886 depiction of the indigenous Germanic god Odin by Georg von Rosen.

An 1886 depiction of the indigenous Germanic god Odin by Georg von Rosen.

Numerous parallels have been drawn surrounding the figure of Odin, a major god amongst the Germanic Peoples prior their Christianization. Since many of these elements are unrelated to Christianity, there are numerous theories regarding the pagan origins of various customs of the holiday stemming from areas where the Germanic peoples were Christianized and retained elements of their indigenous traditions, surviving in various forms into modern depictions of Santa Claus.[9]

Odin was sometimes recorded, at the native Germanic holiday of Yule, as leading a great hunting party through the sky.[10] Two books from Iceland, the Poetic Edda, compiled in the 13th century, and the Prose Edda, written in the 13th century by Snorri Sturluson, describe Odin as riding an eight-legged horse named Sleipnir that could leap great distances, giving rise to comparisons to Santa Claus’ reindeer.[11]

Odin’s appearance was often similar to that of Saint Nicholas, being depicted as an old, mysterious man with a beard.[citation needed]

According to Phyllis Siefker, children would place their boots, filled with carrots, straw or sugar, near the chimney for Odin’s flying horse, Sleipnir, to eat. Odin would then reward those children for their kindness by replacing Sleipnir’s food with gifts or candy [12]. This practice survived in Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands after the adoption of Christianity and became associated with Saint Nicholas as a result of the process of Christianization and can be still seen in the modern practice of the hanging of stockings at the chimney in some homes. Children still place their straw filled shoes or stockings by the chimney every winter night, and are rewards with candy and gifts.[citation needed]

This practice in turn came to the United States through the Dutch colony of New Amsterdam prior to the British seizure in the 17th century, and evolved into the hanging of socks or stockings at the fireplace. In many regions of Austria and former Austro-Hungarian Italy (Friuli, city of Trieste) children are given sweets and gifts on Saint Nicholas’s Day (San Niccolò in Italian), in accordance with the Catholic calendar, December the 6th.

Numerous other influences from the pre-Christian Germanic winter celebrations have continued into modern Christmas celebrations such as the Christmas ham, Yule Goat, Yule logs and potentially the Christmas tree.

Pre-Christian Alpine traditions

Main article: Pre-Christian Alpine traditions

Originating from Pre-Christian Alpine traditions and influenced to extents by later Christianization, the Krampus is represented as a Companions of Saint Nicholas. Traditionally, young men dress up as the Krampus in the first two weeks of December and particularly in the evening of December 5 and roam the streets frightening children (and adults) with rusty chains and bells.

Conan O’Brien is still a piece of ass

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Damn, look at that man! Maybe if I didn’t know him as the charming comic/writer he is, I wouldn’t think this lanky, pasty Irishman was the sexiest man on the planet. But after watching years of his hilarious antics, not to mention going to see his show live and shaking his hand, after which he dropped my hand in such a way that it brushed across his crotch, yeah, he’s the sexiest man on the planet. Although he was a little paunchier in person than I would have thought.

Holla at me if you agree that Cone Bone is a sexy piece!

I should also note that in my list of the 5 Best Shows on TV Right Now, I didn’t include Conan only because I feel it goes without saying that his show rules. I would also like to amend my comment about how Tina Fey is OK by me now. You see, last night, while watching 30 Rock Season 1, I got to the episode where she has an awkward encounter with Conan, her ex. Granted, she’d made a passing mention to dating him in the past, but it’s a joke-filled show, so I took it as just another funny celebrity name punchline. But now that I’ve seen what was really going on in this fictional world, I’ve decided that Tina Fey must be destroyed.

Dammit! Now DirectTV is cancelling Passions! Can’t Passionistas like me get a break?

It was bad enough when my favorite supernatural soap, Passions, decided to move to DirectTV, which I do not have (and I don’t know anyone who does).  Now after only a few months, they’ve announced they’re sick of it, and they’re dropping the show too!  Is there any hope for the kind citizens of Harmony?  My guess: no.

Read the terrible news for yourself.

Holiday Gift Ideas

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Everyone knows that besides the promise of eating pie to the point of bursting, the best part about finally reaching the end of the year is that it marks the gift giving season. While the holidays are excellent for all the feasting and togetherness that come along with them, not to mention the time off work, nothing beats receiving loads of crap from family members and acquaintances who barely know you. That said, it’s always insanely difficult and stressful to shop for gifts for other people. For some reason I’m great at buying myself things I desire, but when it comes to others it’s always a huge darn mystery. What the hell do they want? How the hell do I carry illegal drugs on the plane back home? These problems and more may lead you to feign poverty and purchase absolutely nothing for anybody, but no one likes a holiday jerk. You’ve pretty much got to show up with armfuls of carefully wrapped and bowed packages or face the danger of being labeled a scroogely cheapass who doesn’t love their family.

I used to firmly believe that purchasing gifts for family members was plain foolish. You see, if I were to run out of money entirely at some point in the future, who would I turn to in order to beg for beer pennies than my very relatives? There’s an understood monetary flow between family members, so it seems odd to douse them with junk on a holiday when really we’re all working from the same pot. Unfortunately, this convenient theory gets you labeled as “no fun” pretty much instantly, and sets you up for a lifetime of comparisons to a certain Dickens character. And really it would be plain sad to gaze upon a Christmas Tree/Menorah/Kwanzaa Sculpture (they gotta have something, right?) that didn’t have oodles of gifts piled all around, making one giddy with anticipation and jealous that the largest package has their siblings’ name on it. So you see, much like ham (or latkes or whatever), presents are a vital aspect of enjoying the holidays, no matter what the cost or stress necessary to procure just the right item(s).

Thus I propose to you the most excellent of gift-giving options: a membership to a something-of-the-month-club. Just think about the lasting potential of such a present. Much how Oprah’s famous book club has inspired lonely couch potatoes to consume questionable classics each month, so your gift recipient will be reminded how awesome and thoughtful you are twelve wonderful times. Inspiring someone to praise your name every 1st can only be a good thing, for while a year later no one remembers Grandma’s hideous ducky sweater, they’ve all the while been receiving constant reminders of your overwhelming generosity. And here’s more good news: the item-of-the-month membership comes with hundreds and hundreds of options in order to meet the needs of all in your circle. Mom? Flower-of-the-month or something-kitchen-related-of-the-month. Dad? Tie-of-the-month or steak-of-the-month. College aged sibling or cousin? That’s easy: beer-of-the-month (hint hint, oh please, oh please). There’s even something for Grandma: the candle-of-the-month club. Seriously, I’m not making that one up. Even Fido can enjoy the wealth with his very own adorable membership to the dog-treat-of-the-month club. And the bacon-of-the-month club is appropriate for anyone and everyone, your teacher, your landlord, your boss, whoever. I didn’t know there were twelve kinds of bacon, but by God I want to try them all. Monthly. Bacon that arrives in the mail.

In conclusion, if you’d like to sign Liz and Laura up to receive something awesome every single month, please shoot us an email for our address. We’ll surely send you twelve thank you notes.

Women picking out wedding dresses can be right bitches

Here’s one thing that pisses me off: women who act like picking out a wedding dress is a legitimate science worthy of academic pursuit. With absolute panic in their eyes, they say things like “My husband’s family booked a daytime outdoor wedding on a cruise ship, but I bought a floor-length gown with a train! This is a disaster! A cocktail-length sleeveless gown would be much more appropriate!” Then come the tears.

This goes double for the ladies who actually take the virginity equals white dress rule seriously, and, say, won’t wear ivory if they’re actually virgins, because they think only dirty whores and divorceés wear anything but the purest of snowy white. Or if they secretly screwed every guy in their alma mater (and that includes the professors and the TA’s) and are about as far away from virginity as Paris Hilton, they worry that wearing white would be dishonest and/or wrong. Like the wedding gods will take their violent revenge if the bride’s off-white gown is a little too on. Are we still in 19th Century feudal Spain, hanging our bridal sheets in the town square so all can see the blood? We might as well be, according to these women.

I’d much rather wear something colorful any day. For one thing, I don’t do well with white things, especially when I’ve been drinking. Liz can attest to this. You should see what was once our white couch. Secondly, who wants to look like every other boring cookie-cutter suburbanite marrying some bland guy with a boring job and ED? Throw some personal style into it! It’s the biggest day of your life, or so the TV would have you believe, so shouldn’t your outfit represent you? Frida Kahlo knew what was up.

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Anyway, all these bride-to-be bitches need to go somewhere and sit down. They’re getting on my nerves. The End.