Everyone knows that besides the promise of eating pie to the point of bursting, the best part about finally reaching the end of the year is that it marks the gift giving season. While the holidays are excellent for all the feasting and togetherness that come along with them, not to mention the time off work, nothing beats receiving loads of crap from family members and acquaintances who barely know you. That said, it’s always insanely difficult and stressful to shop for gifts for other people. For some reason I’m great at buying myself things I desire, but when it comes to others it’s always a huge darn mystery. What the hell do they want? How the hell do I carry illegal drugs on the plane back home? These problems and more may lead you to feign poverty and purchase absolutely nothing for anybody, but no one likes a holiday jerk. You’ve pretty much got to show up with armfuls of carefully wrapped and bowed packages or face the danger of being labeled a scroogely cheapass who doesn’t love their family.
I used to firmly believe that purchasing gifts for family members was plain foolish. You see, if I were to run out of money entirely at some point in the future, who would I turn to in order to beg for beer pennies than my very relatives? There’s an understood monetary flow between family members, so it seems odd to douse them with junk on a holiday when really we’re all working from the same pot. Unfortunately, this convenient theory gets you labeled as “no fun” pretty much instantly, and sets you up for a lifetime of comparisons to a certain Dickens character. And really it would be plain sad to gaze upon a Christmas Tree/Menorah/Kwanzaa Sculpture (they gotta have something, right?) that didn’t have oodles of gifts piled all around, making one giddy with anticipation and jealous that the largest package has their siblings’ name on it. So you see, much like ham (or latkes or whatever), presents are a vital aspect of enjoying the holidays, no matter what the cost or stress necessary to procure just the right item(s).
Thus I propose to you the most excellent of gift-giving options: a membership to a something-of-the-month-club. Just think about the lasting potential of such a present. Much how Oprah’s famous book club has inspired lonely couch potatoes to consume questionable classics each month, so your gift recipient will be reminded how awesome and thoughtful you are twelve wonderful times. Inspiring someone to praise your name every 1st can only be a good thing, for while a year later no one remembers Grandma’s hideous ducky sweater, they’ve all the while been receiving constant reminders of your overwhelming generosity. And here’s more good news: the item-of-the-month membership comes with hundreds and hundreds of options in order to meet the needs of all in your circle. Mom? Flower-of-the-month or something-kitchen-related-of-the-month. Dad? Tie-of-the-month or steak-of-the-month. College aged sibling or cousin? That’s easy: beer-of-the-month (hint hint, oh please, oh please). There’s even something for Grandma: the candle-of-the-month club. Seriously, I’m not making that one up. Even Fido can enjoy the wealth with his very own adorable membership to the dog-treat-of-the-month club. And the bacon-of-the-month club is appropriate for anyone and everyone, your teacher, your landlord, your boss, whoever. I didn’t know there were twelve kinds of bacon, but by God I want to try them all. Monthly. Bacon that arrives in the mail.
In conclusion, if you’d like to sign Liz and Laura up to receive something awesome every single month, please shoot us an email for our address. We’ll surely send you twelve thank you notes.